(First of all, let me apologize for the way this wordpress is turning out! I didn’t mean for it to be so personal and full of slightly creepy anecdotes. But hey, that’s the way my life is going right now. My deepest apologies.)

Last night, on Tumblr, I got into a pretty bad argument with a few social justice bloggers. I don’t even really remember what it was about, but it ended in this, when I apologized to one of them in a message and met with the most bitter and jaded response I could have hoped for:

The main thing about this was that I had never been belittled like that in my life.  I’d never had my kindness (genuine, mind you) rebuffed, never been called a bad person or oppressor, and certainly never had my depression and anxiety disorder, which has been as constant a part of my life as the color of my eyes, referred to as “privileged tears.”

At first I didn’t know what to do.  When I came up with Owl Acts of Kindness in May of this year, I knew in a sort of abstract way that some people would be suspicious of random acts of kindness, and worse, reject them rudely.  Let’s face it, not everyone in this world is as nice (or tolerant) as we’d like them to be.

In this case, I felt like I had finally run into one of those high school cliques that I mostly managed to avoid during my actual time in high school.  This was the culmination of a long history of more minor fights on social media websites and my growing confusion about what I was and was not allowed to say and to whom.  I assume Brittany wanted me to be terribly upset and to change my ways – to no longer be “hateful.”

But I wasn’t upset.  I actually laughed, if sadly, at the amount of unleashed anger I could feel behind her words.  And I’ll not change my ways.

I have been, over the course of my life, very sad and very angry about various social causes.  I’ve stood up for my differently-abled friends and argued for hours about contraception and other areas of politics.  There have also been times when I just hated the entire world, and I was rude to professors and friends and total strangers, because (for some reason or another) I could not be kind to myself.

That’s what sincere kindness is.  One cannot be truly kind to others unless they first accept and love themselves, completely and without constraint.  Any other kindness reeks of the passive-aggressive.  To me, someone who hates themselves and gives kindness to others (and I’ve done this many times in the past) is crying, “Give me some recognition, tell me that I am good.”  True change and positivity begins with oneself.

Some people don’t want kindness.  They’ll toss the gift basket you spent hours making.  They’ll spit your attempt at apology in your face.  And that’s fine.  Do not ever let someone’s reaction to an act of kindness cause you to become bitter and morose. First, because you can’t control other people, you can only control your interaction with the world; second, because rarely are we alone, and you never know who else might be watching, and who might really benefit from seeing such kindness.

Dear reader, I am proud to announce that OAK is going absolutely nowhere.  It’s staying right at Brown where it began, and with a little luck, it will soon be all over campus.  I don’t believe in false kindnesses, passive-aggressive snark, or sarcasm.  In the end, though, it’s totally irrelevant what you believe about me, because what actually matters is what you do the next time you see someone in need.

Be strong, carry your head high, and keep most all of Tumblr in your thoughts.  It looks like they’re going to need it.  (: